My very first blog, and my Interpersonal Communication teacher a couple semesters ago told me this could be therapeutic….so here goes:
*WARNING* Content may be inappropriate, please do not read if you are easily offended. I’m going to say most of this content is safe for 17+ year olds Thank you! *WARNING*
So as the title starts, “Sometimes I feel like I’m…”, I continue with what i told my friend earlier, “…as emotional as a woman on her period.”
Yeah, that’s right. I get pretty emotional over small sh*t quite often. I will be telling you back-story about me that will help you understand what I went through today. If you do not have time to read, please move on, this is a rather long post. Here goes…
Lately, my workouts have been pushing almost 3 hours. I have no idea why, I just keep pushing harder and harder I guess. So I was working out from 8 pm to 10:45 pm. My sleep schedule has been all kinds of messed up since the summer started. I’ll wake up at 1 pm and go to bed around 5 am. So I don’t find going to the gym at that time is late at all. Plus, usually there a bunch of pretty women that come to the gym around 8 anyways. Not that I am checking them out, or really could if i wanted to since I don’t workout with my glasses on and I can’t see things far clearly. Sometimes I wear contacts if I was out before that or running some kinds of errands. When I do have contacts in, which is pretty rare, I get to do one of my favorite things, which is people watching. I do it only in between sets though. I like to compare myself with the other guys around me, probably because I am rather insecure about myself. I compare, my looks, my physique, etc.
Growing up as a child, I was always smaller than everyone else. When I graduated high school back in 2005, I was almost 6’0 and 119 pounds. I also hit puerty really late, I think about 16 years old. I used to get picked on by the jocks quite often my freshman year but then I finally stepped up and shut them the fu*k up. Even after enlisting in the Marine Corps (probably joined to help my insecurities as well), I was pretty scrawny most of my career. Only until after I came back fom my deployment in October 2008 was when I started gaining real muscle weight and ridiculously fast. However it wasn’t all natural. I actually started taking a pro-hormone to help me out. For those of you that don’t know what that is, it is like a pre-cursor to steroids (has about 1/10th the power of a steroid). I jumped from being 6’2” 145 lbs-180 lbs in a matter of 6 months. But , I haven’t taken that stuff since Spring of 2009 and now I’m down to 165 lbs and have a modelesque physique, size 31 waist, six pack, the whole she-bang. I love being the object of a woman’s jealousy sometimes(my slim waist). I am no longer trying to get “big”. I am just trying to stay lean, slim, and sexy.
So, now you all know about my insecurities or rather how self-conscious I am about my size. And that deep down I am just an insecure person in general and am always worried what people think of me and that I am a huge people-pleaser, but I can hide it all really well and come off as confident to almost cocky. Let’s take a dive into my relationship history. Don’t worry this is all building up to what happened to me today.
Starting all the way back in the 7th grade was when I had my first serious crush. I thought I was in LOVE with this girl. Asked her to the dance more than once and got rejected all three times because she wasn’t ready for a boyfriend. But, “we could still be really good friends”. I would cry myself to sleep most nights.
After I moved from Texas in 2000 to Arizona to finish my last year in middle school til the end of High School in 2005, I had given up on girls completely because I was afraid of rejection.
I met this one girl before I deployed that almost took my virginity but she ended up just sleepin with all these other guys I was acquaintances with, and used me as her ride to get places. Yeah i was a pushover. Then I let her know how I fel about her and what she was doing and just cut it off. She ended up with her ex boyfriend after our talk.
Until I got back from my deployment in 2008, I was a virgin. Most girls used to think I was a homosexual, since I was extremely nice and caring, have great fashion sense, and honestly because I do pride myself on beauty and am not afraid to give praise to beautiful things. Anyways, since I was 21 now, I was out in the bar/club scene looking to pick up chicks with my newly built confidence. I used to be extremely shy and quiet, but the Marine Corps definitely broke me out of that and turned me into what I think of as cocky (at least that’s what I show to others, because deep down I am still insecure as hell.)
The bar/club scene was such a disappointment. I did lose my virginity and had a couple hook-ups, but found no one taht was girlfriend material. And most of the time I was drunk. Deep down, I was disgusted at myself for resorting to trying to find a girlfriend like this at these places that are filled with douchebags just trying to get laid, and that I have become one of those people I used to hate so much. So I kind of slowed it down. That is when I met her….Spring semester of 2009
I was finally back in college and I thought, at least here I could find a decent girl. Or so I thought…..
She was my perfect girl, looks wise. Personality, she killed me…more than once. Normal height for a Caucasian girl. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Extremely chesty(all natural). Fit and in shape. She was in my Geology class. It just started out as me just being a flirt and then we ended up sleeping with each other on the first “date”/night. We went bowling with my friends which was a weekly ritual at that point in my life. Now I don’t want to sound like I am bragging, but she told me she was a model at first, but never said what kind. Only after we hooked up, she told me that she was actually in pornography and had her own website and everything. She actually made really great money, close to six figures >.<. It was all solo stuff and rarely, girl on girl, nothing involving men though thank goodness.
Initially I was shocked, but then I thought nothing of it. However, This was the first of many “red flags”, but this was the brightest of them all. She was quickly attached to me, in fact after the second date she asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Second “red flag”. I told her, not yet. I need some more time to get to know you better. INCOMING RED FLAGS!!!! She was on medication, but who isn’t these days. But the medication she was on were mood stabilizers,anti-depressants, etc. After a couple months of dating I went ahead and put a label on us. She couldn’t be happier. Turns out this girl, didn’t really have a real father figure in her life (red flag). She lived with her boss, but had her own apartment (red flag.) Soon she started showing me picture of wedding dresses she really wants. (Red flag) Talked about marriage (Red flag.) Talked about what our kids should look like such as having my hair and darker skin color etc…(RED FLAG!!!) She was almost married to another man before and he was in his late his 50’s (HELLO!!! ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT THIS FLAG!) She used to work as an escort before doing porn (WHAT THE FU*K MAN I AM RIGHT HERE WAVING IN YOUR FACE!!!!!)
I just pushed all that stuff aside. I knew this wouldn’t last because she wasn’t everything I wanted. I was just so afraid to break it off because I didn’t want to have to deal with seeing her in class. I know she wouldn’t take it well at all. I tried so hard to make this work until then. Until one fateful day.
We had decided to go to Rocky Point in Mexico together for Spring Break since she didn’t urn 21 until May. I tried to get my friends to come along since she actually didn’t have any except one girl that did porn with her. No one wanted to come but she insisted we still go as a couple. Now this girl paid for everything for me. She refused everytime I pulled out my credit card. I was raised old-fashioned and a woman should never have to pay for most things. I had the money, but she insisted she pay. We stayed in the most expensive resort there and everything was so romantic the first night. The second night we went out in town to one of the “clubs” there. Biggest mistake of my life. This girl gets drunk after 1 drink because of all the meds she is on. So you know girls on spring break, and on top of that she is an exhibitionist so she waned to go upstairs where the other girls were to show off her goodies. I let her and when she was done, she hadn’t come down for about 30 mins, the camera up there that was still on was projecting her just sitting and talking to this one guy. So she comes down and says she thought he was someone else. I continue to get drunk, and then towards the end of the night the guy comes down and invites her to go up with him again.
By now, I am drunk and messed up. I was a bit jealous that she was spending more time with this guy, I am not going to lie. “**** you, do whatever.”- that is what came out of my stupid mouth. Well obviously she was hurt. She came back down in 5 mins because they weren’t filming anymore and then the guy invited us back to his place. He had a house on the shoreline. I have never felt more like a third wheel in my entire life. They talked almost all night while I just lay on the couch. The next day he drove us back to our place and I was having a terrible hangover. He invited us both out to lunch but I couldn’t go. I needed to lay down. She asked me if she could go with him while I was laying in bed in our room.
"Sure, go have fun with your new boyfriend."
"Don’t do this…"
"Ok fine… go ahead and go have fun. I’m sorry babe, I just need to sleep really badly. I’ll see you when you get back later. Ok? Have fun!"
She left her phone and everything at the condo.
3 pm rolls around and I am starting to think, that is quite a long lunch. Then comes 5 pm. I write an apology letter. 8 pm. I am crying/screaming in my bed asking God why this is happening to me and cursing Him and pacing around the condo. 12 am, I am now concerned for her safety above all else. 5 am rolls by and I decide to get some rest because we have to leave in 7 hours. She didn’t come back until an hour after checkout, which thank goodness they gave me extra time since I went down to the concierge and explained my situation. I was so glad to see her safe. I didn’t care what she possibly could have done with that guy, I was just relieved she was alright. She said took it upon herself to say she didn’t do anything with him. I didn’t question her. She had forgotten to take her meds so the drive back and gettin’ stuck at the border fr several hours was going thru Hell. She was flippin’ out. I have never seen someone this mad in my entire life.
She read my letter and we tried to put the whole thing behind us, but then came all the baggage she brought. We hadn’t slept with each other after the trip. She had to move out of her boss’ house since they had gotten into a fight. Her mother found out what she did for a living. She slowly stopped coming to school. Eventually we slowly stopped talking as well and that’s how it ended in May 2009. I always feel regret for what I said, but everyone I talked to about it, and trust me I have talked to lots of girls and friends and even my teacher, who is a therapist, that says she was in the wrong.
Honestly, my relationship was purely physical with her, but when we slowly grew apart I made it emotional because of the lack of attachment that was there before.
After her, a hurricane of unfortunate events happened. To top things off, I thought I caught my mother having an affair with someone via her damn phone ringing with texts and she wasn’t answering it. So my nosy ass went to go see who it was, and i read it. I didn’t talk to my mother for almost 6 months. I hated women. How could I trust them after the one I trusted the most betrayed us all. I became an alcoholic for awhile. I was drinking every night, just trying to forget that whole year.
During that summer I went to Coronado Island in San Diego and also back home to Texas for one our really close family friends (I consider them cousins) wedding. Chinese/Vietnamese wedding. It was fun and it made me realize that life wasn’t so bad and I will eventually find my dream girl.
Right before the semester started, one of my best friend’s girlfriend set me up with one of her friends. Now this girl, I thought was what I needed. She was normal, or so i thought…
I showered this girl with gifts and paid for everything. It was almost as if, I was trying to make up for my last relationship. I never hooked up with this girl or even kissed her though. She also didn’t really have a father figure in her life. One thing bothered me about her, she always had a new bruise somewhere on her but I never thought to ask anything about it. Labor Day weekend rolls around and my friends and I had planned a huge trip there since 4 of us have birthdays on that weekend. Apparently she did to so that makes 5. I invited her out and ended up flying her out there since she couldn’t get off work.
To my surprise, she has never traveled without her family before so she was just awkward the whole time and on top of that I had to babysit her the whole time. The first night I had to carry her 2 milles on my back from a club to our suite since she was too drunk to walk. And then the next day I bought her an 500$ dress and 300$ shoes for her birthday. That night I had to carry her shoes cuz they hurt her feet and we had to leave early. Most of my time was spent taking care of her while my friends were all pissed at me because it seemed like I was not enjoying myself.
Not only all this, but she told me that she was still technically engaged to her ex-fiancee, whom she is supposed to be living with. Then on the way back home after the trip she says to me we have to stop getting dinner because it was giving people the wrong idea about us and that we were just friends. I was so pissed. I can hide it well though. All that money spent and all that time and care for her and now we were worse off than where we started.
Nothing really changed, I still liked her and we still hung out quite often. But she started getting crazy on me. She made it clear to me several times that we wer JUST FRIENDS. So one night I invite her out to come hang out with me at a club with my friends. They all hated her and she knew that. She didn’t want to come initially because of that, but I told her I don’t care what they think. I just want to see her tonight. I told her I would understand if she were to be uncomfortable if she weren’t going to come. Then she gets upset saying taht she is going to come. I then tell her I will come to get her in an hour. She still is mad and then says that is not enough time to get rady, she will just meet me at the place.
She finally comes. She couldn’t get in because her debit card wasn’t working for the cover (yeah it was 50cent drinks all night no matter what so everyone had to pay cover whether you have a pair of tis or not) and then she come over to me and starts complaining about how I should have come outside and held her hand when she was waiting in line etc etc. I am pretty sure she told me we were “Just friends” before. Then she just up and left. I was so pissed off I ended up meeting some cougar and telling her my story and we ended up hooking up that night (>.<)
Monday rolled by after that weekend and I took it pon myself to apologize to her. She responded like she hadn’t done anything wrong but I let that slide. We started hanging out again quite often and I would still talk to her everyday even if I didn’t see her. Those bruises by the way, were from her ex-fiancee who she was still seeing sometimes, he would beat her.
After living it up in Vegas, we (my friends and I) hadn’t stop living it up since we got back. We got tables every night we went out (3-4 nights a week) We spent thousands of bucks in the period of 2 months just to live like Kings and Queens all just for that V.I.P. status. We were preferred customers always getting the best tables, kicking off entire baseball teams off the list. Gettin in front of everyline everywhere we went no matter what. This is how I got into the whole promoting thing after lol but thats another story and now I am done with all that bullshit.
Continuing on with my story, one night she wanted to get Jamba Juice, but it was my ritual boy’s night out and I went to go do that instead. First time I put my friends over her actually. The next day, I send my usual, “Hey! good morning! How is your day going so far?” text. I get a response that her ex-fiancee came over last night and they talked things out and they are going to try and make things work.
……………………….. That was my expression. I didn’t even respond.
That same weekend my friend’s girlfriend, the one who set us up and the one who told me about the bruises said she was going to come out since she got off that night with some of her friends. She was a bartendress and had lots of hot friends :) But, guess who she brought…..yeah, and not only her, she brought her ex-fiancee too. I decided i was not going to be a douche and I would let them enjoy themselves at my expense. Whatever.
Time passes, I am not looking, I am working as a promoter and it is slowly killing going out for me. Guess who calls me when the semester starts up….?
The pornstar. I don’t know what I was thinking but I ended up going to see her, and we started dating again. Only this time I made sure I paid for half of everything. She apologized for everything she put me through and all that. I only gave her a second chance because she admitted by herself that she is crazy and taht she fu*ked up. That takes a lot of courage, I think, to admit your own faults and shortcomings. Eventually the same **** happened. She stopped coming to school and we just slowly stopped talking. I don’t know what sparked it this time but I have come to the conclusion that I am a great “rebound guy”. I feel that I am so nice and caring that it helps girls feel better about themselves and then it is almost so surreal that they go running back to their abusive/douchey ex-boyfriends. Maybe it is the age that I am at, girls are still naive and young- unsure of what they want. Not all girls bu most girls, especially here in Scottsdale, Arizona. I always hear them saying how much they want a nice guy and someone that actually cares and give a **** about them, but in the end they all just end up running back to that ex.
I was not hurt by this one though, because, I didn’t expect that she changed after a year. Shortly after I met another girl this time through my “Nerdy” group of friends. This girl had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and she was what I thought of as normal. She grew up on a farm in the country back in Ohio. She was in Arizona for college. The only thing is she had a shitty relationship because her boyfriend didn’t let her do anything at all and was super controlling. So she missed being 21 and in college and all. She didn’t want to rush into anything and neither did I. I gave her lots of space, listened when she needed someone to etc etc. I really liked this girl too but I started to get the feeling that our relationship (we were just dating) was just getting physical. But we talked a lot about stuff. I actually communicated with her more than any of the other girls I liked.
This past Memorial Day weekend she went back home to Ohio. And stuff happened with one of her old ex-boyfriends’s out there. She didn’t sleep with him but she definitely had feelings for him still obviously. One of my best friends, I love him for what he did. (he is the one who had the girlfriend who set me up with the one that was abused by her ex-fiancee, but he is no longer with that girl. But all he does care about is his “boys” especially since we would both take bullets for each other.) Anyways, he just asked her “How are things between the you and Josh?” , while I was getting us some drinks. Se quickly went on the defensive and said nothing was going on and that we were “Just friends” or so she said after my buddy left us to talk.
Last time I checked friends don’t fu*k each other. Friends with benefits doesn’t exist. There is always some deeper connection there. She told me that I was too nice and that she wanted to move back to Ohio when she was done with college. I offered that we could still see each other and still hook up until then but she said she couldn’t anymore.So I cut it off right then and there that night. Yes I did shed my tears but in 6 hours, I was fine and over her already. It was an easy transition because I didn’t have to change anything for her. I was still myself and she was doing everything I wanted to do, even though I gave her many opportunities to pick and chose what she wanted to do she always left it up to me. This just confirmed my belief that I am such a great rebound guy. I explained it to my friends and to her using a metaphor since she asked me the next day on facebook how I was doing.
It is like we are on a bus ride and I have been on it since before you got on. But we have been riding it together for a few months. Last night we had had to stop and let you off at your destination. I still haven’t reached mine yet.
She asked if we could still be friends, and I told her it would be better for me if we weren’t. I would just make it awkward and it would be awkward for my friends. For example if some guy was hitting on her while we are all out together and she ended up giving in to him it would just be awkward for all of us especially me. Whatever she wanted to end it, so it is her loss. I am a such a nice and caring person.
Side note: I have three groups of friends I hang out with. My “nerdy friends” who I have known since my senior year of high school. My “Marine friends”, self explanatory. My “fun friends” this group is also very nerdy, but they know how to do fun things and go on exciting vacations and adventures :)
Now on to how this all ties in with the title of this topic and what happened to me today.
I was driving to get food at midnight. And everytime I have had the radio on that dang Breakfast Club song has always been playing. I like it and all but I don’t know why its even getting played so often recently…then right after that… Lady Antebellum- “Need you now” came on and as soon as I started singing the song I just started crying…I couldn’t get the words out right since i was choking on my tears and then…I finally got home.
I think I was crying because of my jealousy of what this song is about. I am jealous of their relationship. Even if it is fu*ked up they still want to try and make it work. My loneliness is getting the better of me. One minute I can be irritated, the next I can just start bursting into tears. Sometimes I feel like I’m as emotional as a woman on her period.
I hope you all have a better insight on who I am now. I feel better writing this all out. My teacher wasn’t lying :) More to come soon !
This was written back in July of 2010 so, I would like to think I may have matured a little since then :)